Just Wondering… Why Me?

Heads up that I’ll be whining here a bit. I’m feeling a little sorry for myself. A lot frustrated. Even more angry.

I’ve mentioned in previous posts that I haven’t been feeling well, I’ve been exhausted, etc… I didn’t go deep into detail because I didn’t really know what was going on and brushed off many symptoms as related to known issues.

Last weekend while people were enjoying a beautiful Saturday, I was lying in emerge. Fun times. I was seriously scared I was having a heart attack and once triaged, was put into a room immediately. When it comes to emergency medicine, I’m pretty sure you want to be the patient asked to sit in the waiting room because it’s not serious.

A number of tests were ordered including ECGs, blood panels, etc. The attending E.R. doctor came in eventually and said, “The good news is your heart is fine. The bad news is your thyroid isn’t working properly.” She then called in an internist who gave me a very (brief) overview and a prescription for beta blockers that stopped the heart palpitations (yes!), but didn’t address the thyroid issues.

This week I’ve been a mess. The “not feeling well” has gone beyond not feeling well… and I still didn’t know what was going on. I booked an appointment with my endocrinologist that oversees the Type 1 treatment. She’s thorough and autoimmune disorders are her specialty. Unfortunately they couldn’t see me until today.

Yesterday I crashed my GPs office in tears. When I say I was a mess, I mean that he concurred. Emotional, pained, exhausted, worried, hot, nauseous, stubborn high blood sugar, head aches, etc. He provided a calm listening ear, reassured me that I’ve done nothing wrong, and offered encouragement saying that things will get better.

At my endo appointment, she discussed things further. Ordered additional tests to confirm or determine the cause (suspected Graves disease.) Sent me for more bloodwork and prescribed additional meds. Pretty much told me I’m unfortunately vulnerable to the very thing that’s supposed to keep me healthy.

So I’m mad. Why has MY immune system gone rogue? Why do I have to deal with not one, but two, serious autoimmune disorders? Why do they have to complicate each other? Why can’t I just make it through a week without needing naps and Tylenol and gravol and multiple medications? I’m trying to stay positive… but honestly, I’m also heart sore at the moment.

Anyone have tips for better living and eating to protect your thyroid? Please forgive my complaints – I know that there are others dealing with far worse complaints… But honestly, at the moment, I just want to feel like me again – happy, productive me. I’m indulging a little bit of wondering… why me???

Mama Said There’d Be Days Like This…

I had some hours owing this week and decided it was time for an overdo salon visit followed by lunch with a friend. However, despite my best intentions and contingency plans and schedule adjustments, when my feet hit the floor I just knew that today wasn’t going to be “my day” – even though, for everyone else’s safety and my own sanity – I really need a day for me.

The oldest got ready with excitement and speed as it’s the first ski club session of the year. The youngest lagged and lagged and eventually moved from the bed to the couch, looking decidedly pale and green. He’s currently tucked up beside me in our bed because whether you’re 11 or 37 years of age, we all want our mamas close when we’re feeling crummy.

As parents and partners this is often what our days look like. We make our plans and our plans change because life throws some little hiccups and giant monkey wrenches our way. We’re up to our necks in chaos and tears and laughter and cookies and completely forget ourselves. (What’s my name again?!) We understand the importance of self-care and independence, but also know that sacrifice and caring for others are just as important in the balance of a healthy relationship.

So today is not my day, and if I wasn’t consumed with endless love for this child of mine, I’d be upset that he sabotaged my plans… and I’m human enough to admit I’m frustrated – with the curveball, not with him. I’m feeling a little helpless because my care doesn’t seem to be soothing and a little angry that we’ve been hit with something again. I’m definitely irritated that I can’t make things better and have been washing my hands like crazy.

There are days… days when it seems to a stressed out mama or other caregiver that they’re always the ones who have to bend. There are days when they’ll feel like they’re stuck in the trenches with no hope of ever climbing out. There are days when they’ll be holding puke buckets or little hands or bottomless laundry baskets…. and all they really want is a Frappucino and a spa day. These are the days that they need you.

Let your fellow mamas know that even though life can change at the drop of the hat or gust of the wind, they are never alone. Let them know they have a comrade in the nitty gritty ins and outs of this parenting gig. Check in on the strong and silent ones too – not everyone knows how to reach out when they’re drowning.

Be a comfort – send an encouraging text, commiserate over the phone, surprise them with some takeout and offer to fold a load of laundry (but don’t mention the dishes in the sink) and remind them that their day is coming.

And if it is your day? Think of all the strength you can lend! I’m a little jealous, to be honest. Maybe tomorrow will be my day…. in the meantime, those laundry baskets are mocking me and I have a great excuse to dive into a new book without feeling guilty!